Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
