we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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