I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
