I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
