Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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