Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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