I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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