I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
