are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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