so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
