I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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