Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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