fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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