you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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