4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
