I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
cat food counts as protein by the way
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
