What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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