I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize