I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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