I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
