Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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