I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
