Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
