If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
