You can't motorboat a personality
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We need to get me chipped asap
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
