party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Pooping to opera.
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