So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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