I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
