I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
