youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
