p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
