You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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