Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
