I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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