i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
