Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
