There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
