You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Dicks are not precious.
Who died my cat blue again?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
All I want is dick and wine.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
