Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
