I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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