If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
