running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
