i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
