I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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