im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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