I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
