I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
