I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
