u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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