I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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