So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
