I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
