It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
