I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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