hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
