I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
two words: eviction party
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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