i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
